I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.