34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”