I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.