Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
That’s amazing.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin