Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.