Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
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6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.