Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
👾👾👾
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones