Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
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My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no