The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Free him
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*