Free him
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Love is in the air fryer.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My circle of trust is a meatball
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.