my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
You Might Also Like
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister