Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
You Might Also Like
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Oh deer
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
happy valentine’s day to me
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.