Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Please do it!
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Brb my Sims are getting married
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol