My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse