“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Sooo many times…..
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing