[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
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kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.