[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Breaking news:
i’m still crying at this
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.