I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.