{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
You Might Also Like
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
time machine? you mean a clock?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Great Canadian literature.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.