this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Ok but actually
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST