dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
What is going on? 😅
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.