me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
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When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
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If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Social distancing in Australia:
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.