Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
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[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water