Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!