The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way