make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
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I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders