Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it