Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
TODAY
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
happy valentine’s day to me
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.