Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
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There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor