Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Good news
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.