“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
cry laughing at this shit
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language