Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh