Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
*puts my mental health in rice
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl