I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Um … Hot Wings please
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache