@TuffyNyC

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

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@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@nPhelendriqal

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

@sgrstk

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

@JohnLyonTweets

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

@JediGigi

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

@robdelaney

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

@sundaecone888

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

@Cheeseboy22

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”