Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
😏😏😏
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.