@TuffyNyC
@velvettusk ♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
You Might Also Like
@velvettusk 
@nPhelendriqal A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
@sgrstk I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
@JohnLyonTweets Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
@JediGigi “I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
@impaulmccoy My dad.
@robdelaney My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
@Ygrene 
@sundaecone888 Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
@Cheeseboy22 Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”