Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

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♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫


A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.


I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.


Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*


“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.


My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.


Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.


Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”