Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
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Me: Same.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series