I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
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An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.