Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*