If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
You Might Also Like
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair