Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*