Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
blocked.
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.