Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Pickled cat.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many