This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Bruh PLEASE
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does