Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Cheers Twitter.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker