DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.