I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now