They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Sign of the day..
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.