Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
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me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?