Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking