Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Cinematography is my passion
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…