Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Bed should get ready for ME
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
he looks great for his age
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*