[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My dress code is business-casualty.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
![]()
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
my retirement plan is braless
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.