Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
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The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
12653.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.