Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
felt that
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.