i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
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[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.